the mother of two

My beautiful Ava Faith, born into heaven, June 4, 2011.
I have started this blog entry at least a dozen times. How do I begin to share a day in my life as it is now?
I am a proud mother of two.
I'm unsure adequate words even exist to describe the cohabitation of sorrow and joy in my heart and home since I became the mother of two on June 4, 2011.

Yes, I have two children. My son lives with me. My daughter lives in heaven and in my heart.


For no known medical reason, my baby daughter Ava Faith died at 40 weeks gestation, while I was sleeping and just hours before I went into labour. The minutes, hours, days, weeks, months since my doctor told me her heart was no longer beating have both crept and flown.

I begged to step off the still-turning planet so I could regroup and recuperate. I was shocked at the audacity of life . . . how dare it continue! The world remained at its frenzied pace. Meanwhile, I hunkered down with my shattered little family unit and slowly began sorting through the pieces.

The loss of Ava stabs me to my core. There is a big, gaping hole in the wall of every compartment of my life. Yet, hope is a light that shines through the holes, illuminating all the blessings that remain. I am so very thankful for my son, my husband, my family, my friends and a loving God. I am thankful for my daughter. I am glad I was able to carry her to full term so that I could see her beautiful face and hold her chubby 9-pound, 3-ounce body. While I hate that she is not with me right now, I refuse to think of my daughter as simply something bad that happened to me. No, this child will be celebrated as long as I live!

I am beginning to realize that I have a relationship with both of my children. While I can connect with my son through hugs, tickles and conversations, my relationship with Ava is a spiritual one. I connect with her through God via prayer, hope and faith. I also incorporate her in our lives in a variety of ways like lighting candles, sending up balloons and bubbles and talking openly about her with my family and friends.

Just as if I would have brought her home from the hospital as planned {Oh, how I wish I would have!}, my daughter and I are inseperable. While she shares my attention with her brother, who turns three this month, she is always on my mind. I love her. She is mine. I am hers. Always. Just in a very different way than I had hoped and prayed.

I have been re-entering society bit by bit, realizing I can't stay "hunkered" forever. I have felt inspired, yet admittedly nervous, to write publicly again on this site. The blog portion of saskmom.com was created to share personal family experiences as we enjoy this city and each other. One of the things I've been thinking about is how I continue to share in a real way with the thousands of parents who visit this site without this becoming a mourning blog?

I have a beautiful son, and we love spending time together. Time with him has been good medicine for my broken heart. I will resume writing on this blog primarily as Little J's mom.

I am journaling more about my journey with Ava on a separate blog. For now, I choose to keep that writing private and unedited for my own healing. In time, I may share more publicly on that site for those who are interested.

Even though I might not always write directly about my relationship with my daughter in this blog, Ava will undoubtedly be present in every thought I share. She'll be the breath at the close of each sentence. You'll recognize her between the lines: undertones of gratitude, embers of raw emotion, flickers of wonder and, hopefully, the notable absence of complacency.

As we approach Ava's five-month milestone this week, I feel as though I am slowly awakening. As I rise, I want to grab each morning by the shoulders, embrace it all day long and kiss it goodnight.

May we seize this season we have with our children. Each day with our families is truly a gift to be cherished!



17 comments


Angie N said...

Absolutely beautiful! Thanks for sharing

Shel said...

I think of you daily Laura!

stephanie said...

thank you for sharing! I send you light and love often!

parentingwithpinot.com said...

Glad you are back. Thanks for sharing.

Raquel said...

You have such courage and I am grateful for your story to remind me that every moment I have with my children is so precious. Your daughter's life and spirit will go on and on in your stories. She is here in spirit!

Clinton said...

This post was beautiful. The cruel reality of life after losing a child is that life does go on, although we may want it to stop... it doesn't. As Ava's father there is nothing I would rather have than her back in my arms, but that's not reality, at least not in this world. I could have worked on this post for years and still not conveyed the feels that you've managed to put into words! I'm very proud of you for taking this step Laura and look forward to all the future posts!

Sandra said...

A beautiful post Laura. You have expressed such love for your children and have summed up beautifully the emotions you have experienced over the last five months. I too am the mother of a baby in heaven, and I remember very well feeling just as you have. Well written!

Chandra said...

You are such a treasure Laura. Thanks for having the courage to share this. It is written beautifully and I have been amazed how you have walked through this process with such grace, courage and honesty. You are an inspiration in so many ways. Love you!

Amber said...

So eloquently expressed! I don't know you personally, but have been following you on facebook for some time and my heart just ached for you when I read your news of your baby girl! I was expecting my second child around the same time.....I have thought of you and your family so often over these months and I am so grateful for your courage in sharing your story!

Roz Jutras said...

Laura,
Your story is very touching! You amaze me with your courage and strength to share your story. You are an exceptional writer and I look forward to reading your posts in the near future.

Kathryn Wall said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I am brought to tears everytime I think about Ava. Your family are in my thoughts.

daffy1313 said...

I too think of you often. Hugs.

Kristy Berger Jelinek said...

Laura,
You are an amazing woman who continues to grow and show us all what grace, courage and strength really are. I am proud of you for taking this step forward to share your emotions with us.

Your spiritual connection with Ava will speak in your eyes forever and she will always be remembered.

Love and Peace to you

Krista said...

Thank you for sharing! The courage and strength to share what has happened with you and your family is amazing! You are a beautiful person!

Jo-Ann said...

Laura,

It has been about 6 months since I last viewed your website. My sincerest condolences for your loss. Some things will never make sense, and there are no answers. But we forge on...and one day when the warmth of sun shines on us, we will feel our loved ones inside, saying to us loud and clear..."hey I am still with you and I am waiting for you to do all those great things that you were meant for!"

With love,
Jo-Ann and Family

Jordan said...

Beautifully written. I think of you, Ava, and your family often.

Cathy said...

I just found your blog and now I understand why. The way that you wrote this is so wonderful and full of love and kindness. I also unfortunately understand how you feel, as I have a son and a daughter in heaven. This was many years ago and there was not the care and kindness that there is today. Thank goodness that times have changed as they had to get better on every level.
Please keep going and remembering your wonderful daughter. She deserves that and so do you.

Post a Comment